9 words

Today I feel better.

"I don't want to be married to you anymore".

Those 9 words are the most powerful, thought provoking, life changing, challenging words that I have ever said in my entire life. Those 9 words have changed the lives of four people forever.

I have said them many, MANY times before. To the point where I gave up telling my inner core peeps that I'd said them yet again; because somehow, I'd say them, and never be able to follow through with them. Of course it doesn't help when the person you say them to HATES to lose, at anything. And is also the best salesman I know. Somehow I was always worn down by the hopes and promises that resulted after me saying the words.

So I just got on with it, put up and shut up. Healed myself as best I could, yet there was always this huge scab right there, ripe for the picking. I'd give it a red hot going over about once a year, a bit of pus would ooze out, then the antiseptic and bandaids would come out all too quickly (in the form of hopes and promises) and the scab would dry up. Left for another day.

I've done alot of self-healing, alot of 'inner work' you might say. Attended many workshops, read a bookshelf of books, studied reiki, attending individual counselling, couples counselling, spiritual healing. Shit NO ONE could accuse me of giving up too quickly on my relationship. 5, years dating then 12 years of marriage. That is a long time to feel de-prioritised.

The healing path I've followed is now a well worn, comfortable one. I finally summoned the strength, courage, self esteem and self love to acknowledge to myself that I deserve MORE! So a few months ago I said those 9 words for the last time. This time I was prepared for the antiseptic and bandaids, and had the strength to hold my hand up and quietly let myself be heard.

The last few months have been one of the most challenging times of my life, and given all the bullshit dysfunction and death I experienced in my childhood, that's saying something! At times I feel completely overwhelmed by everything, sometimes I feel like running from it all. But somehow, I breathe, surrender and get on with it. The only thing that I can rely on right now, is change. Just making the decision to return back to my career roots and look for a full time role in the industry I gave up 6 years ago (to work in my ex's business) has given me so much power back, and I haven't even got a job yet.

Things will change. I will get a job, I'll reclaim my financial security and I will move forward. I feel so free, despite all the uncertainty and fear. Not once have I doubted my decision, I know in every cell in my body that I've done the right thing. I like to think that I've left my relationship in the healthiest way possible, having done so much healing around it, whilst still in it. There's no built up bitterness and resentment from my end.

So the scab has been picked, the pus has been revealed in all it's ugly glory. My heart has been ripped right open as a consequence and I am left feeling vulnerable, raw, fragile at times, completely Popeye strong at others. It's not an easy path I've chosen, but fuck I'm glad I finally had the strength and conviction to know that I deserve more.

So today I feel better, the incredible heaviness and overwhelming sadness from last week has shifted. The tides have turned this week and for now at least, I am better.

Thanks to all my (four) readers who offered words of support last week xxx